Half Truths: Caffeine

  • Caffeine is a bitter, white crystalline substance that is a psychoactive stimulant. It was first isolated from coffee in 1820 by a German chemist, Friedlieb Ferdinand Rouge, who also discovered several coal tar products, a toxic blue dye used in blue jeans and other useful ways to kill yourself slowly.
  • Founded in 1999 by Russell Weiner, Rockstar launched into the fastest-growing segment of the USA beverage market after it changed its name from “Weiner Cola.”
    • Several alcoholic versions of Rockstar are available in Canada. An alcoholic version in the US was discontinued in 2007, claiming that young people were confusing the alcoholic version with the regular one. Or because they weren’t.
    • Caffeine is found in many plant species, where it acts as a natural pesticide. Caffein paralyzes and kills insects that attempt to eat it. Because the bean knows damn well what we’d do if we ever caught it cheating. 
    • A coffee bean is actually a roasted seed from the coffee plant. The seeds are found in coffee cherries, which are found in coffee sundaes which are found in middle-school slumber parties.
    • The word “coffee” derives from the Ottoman Turkish kahve, which derives from the Arabic  qahwah. Scholars on the subject say qahwah originally referred to a type of wine, and is connected to the verb qahiya, meaning “to be jittery,” or “poop really often and loudly around one’s coworkers.”
    • In 2010, researchers found that people who consumed tea had significantly less cognitive decline, stupider accents and more horrible teeth than those who didn’t.
    • Improperly stored tea may lose flavor, acquire disagreeable flavors or odors from other foods, or become moldy. Which the French prefer, calling it “Cheese Tea.”
    • The name “Four” in Four Loko is derived from the drink’s original four main ingredients: alcohol, caffeine, taurine (which…prevents…liver disease) and guano.  It also contains carbonated water, sugar, and heroin.