Drunk Text Intervention

Look, we’ve all done it.

We, though we’ll never admit it, like to do it sometimes. There’s something irresistible about a drunk text. We can say “I miss you” to an ex or “lets hang out sometime” to an estranged friend. We summon the courage we wouldn’t have sober to do and say the things we think we should. At the same time, we get this four-hour life limbo where we can be rashly honest and then take it back if we don’t like how the other person responds.  We can say “I love you” and if the other person doesn’t reciprocate we can laugh and say “HAHAHA GREAT JOKE, RIGHT!? BOY I’M DRUNK! I WON’T EVEN REMEMBER THIS I BET!”

We’ve all been there: drinking too much, we want to live a hypothetical four hours and if the virtual life we lived wasn’t any fun, we can blame it on the liquor. We kinda like the idea that we can wake up, summon our best shocked face and go “I SAID WHAT!?” We all love being Mr. Hyde— it’s fun! We can pretend we’re a different person and act surprised at our own actions the next morning and everyone can just shrug and say “Eh, you were drunk.” But you know it was still you. Despite what you may say, you remember it, Dr. Jekyl, and you did it on purpose.

I mean, I get it. Postgrad life is a much lonelier place. Most of your coworkers are probably way older than you and very few people around you are datable material. I get that it’s exhausting trying to find someone when you already have some guys’ numbers in your phone. I mean, it’s even flattering sometimes to get these texts from you. But I’m sure you know I’m not going to text you back. Neither are my friends.

Seriously, who sexts multiple people on the same night IN THE SAME FRIEND GROUP!? I mean, is this a college application process? Are you simply applying to as many colleges as possible with the assumption you’ll get in to one, or get your stretch school? This isn’t econ class! We’re not investments! Sex is not a good you can store up!

But I don’t think you’re doing this purely for an outcome (no jokes, please.) When you get all bulkmail-y about it, I can’t help but think there’s something else going on. And that’s why we’re having this internet intervention. I don’t know what’s up, but doing this is totally unhealthy. You have to stop sexting me. Us. Stop sexting in general. Take your twenty shots and pass out on something. Put down your phone, hell— just leave it at home next time you go out. Who knows, if you stopped propositioning us at two am and just hung out with us in the daylight, one of us might actually like to take you out for a drink.

Why don’t you just ask?

Sincerely,

All four of us.